Come Here, Kitty
by alynwa
Summary: Written for Picfic Tuesday on LJ. The picture at left is the story prompt.


The two agents burst into the apartment, taking down the three goons inside with darts and for one, karate chops. Illya kicked open the door to the bedroom where Countess Sherapova sat calmly on her bed, dressed luxuriously in a mink – trimmed peignoir with a flute of champagne. Looking down her nose at them she sniffed, "I should have known it would be you two uncouth clods coming in here uninvited! How _dare_ you!"

As Illya checked the room for danger, Napoleon kept his gun trained on the older woman. He used his left hand to sweep his forelock off his face and try to look a bit more presentable. When his partner signaled they were alone with her, he said to her, "Countess, you know why we're here. Just tell us where the microdot is and we'll leave you to your ah…" Napoleon waggled his gun at the bottle in the ice bucket next to her bed. "Your drinking."

Illya snorted derisively as he began to toss the room in search of what they had come for. "True Russians do not waste their time drinking champagne! She is Russian through marriage; even her accent is fake! She is from New Jersey!" snarked the blond as he walked by the window and glanced outside. He took another step and then backed up and looked. "Napoleon, I will bet that what we seek is outside the window."

Napoleon leaned back so he could see what his partner was pointing at and said, "We're twenty – five stories up, what could…? What the…"

A cat sat at the end of a flagpole serenely gazing at the two men gaping at it. They could see that the tabby's collar had something metallic hanging from it.

Napoleon whistled low. "If you're right, how on earth are we going to get it?"

The woman laughed, "Coco won't come to you, she doesn't like strangers. I know Halloween is coming soon, so what are you going to do? Stick a little witch's hat on her head, slip a broom under her and watch her fall to the ground? I will go to the newspapers and scream about how the men from UNCLE killed my cat!"

The _phhht_ of Illya's gun shocked both the Countess and his partner. "Now, I can concentrate on the task at hand," he said quietly as he turned to the open window while the woman he had darted fell asleep. "Coco? Is that your name? Come to me, little cat. Come. _Vy horosho Kitti_? (Are you a good kitty?)"

Coco had just stared at Illya when he began speaking to her, but the Russian words caused her to meow. "Seems you've made a connection, Tovarisch. Keep it up."

"Make yourself useful, Napoleon, look in the kitchen and see if you can find some cat treats."

Illya began to speak to Coco in Russian, telling her that she was the most beautiful kitty he had ever seen, how he wanted to pet her fur and she should come closer so he could do so. If she had been a woman perched out there, he would have spoken no differently to her.

"Hey," Napoleon whispered as he appeared next to the Russian, "I found some treats and some canned food. I put that on a plate."

"Thank you, now move away so you don't spook her." Napoleon obeyed and Illya restarted his litany of compliments while at the same time placing the small plate of wet food on the windowsill. Suddenly, with no regard to the height of her perch, Coco stood and nimbly ran along the pole, came inside and began to eat. "Good kitty," Illya cooed as he removed her collar and handed it to Napoleon.

"Yep, here's the microdot. Let's go."

"Just a minute." Illya went to the closet and found a cat carrier. "That woman doesn't deserve a cat! Coco could have fallen to her death! I am taking her."

"And who's going to watch your new girlfriend when we're out of town?"

"My neighbor, Edna. Lovely older woman who is always trying to fatten me up. She says I am too thin."

Napoleon removed the microdot and placed it in his wallet. He handed Coco's collar back so Illya could put it back on her. Illya waited patiently until the cat had eaten her fill and he placed her in the carrier. "Let us take our leave. We can call for a cleanup crew to gather up this bunch of miscreants."

"Partner Mine, that is an excellent idea."


End file.
